Dear you,
Maybe you have read my dear X journal I posted a while ago. Maybe you've read someone else's journal that had the same concept. Maybe you haven't: it was a way to say things, get things of my mind, without having to tell it to the people it was meant for.
But I know that the good things actually should be said out loud... I'm just scared to do so.
However, it's almost christmas and I love this time of year. I feel a little more loved, a little more loving. So I think this is a good time to tell people I love them.
Here are some things I want to say. And this time you'll know who it is about.
I'm sorry if I don't say anything about you. This doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means I don't have a special thing to say to you - and sometimes no words are really the same as "it's alright".



Dear Jelrik,
No matter how I feel, you can always make me smile. I want to grow old with you.


Dear Liselotte,
I miss being near you.


Dear Eline,
You always say the sweetest things. You know how to reach my heart.


Dear Eva,
You are a wonderful person. I think you make many lives a little brighter. Including mine.


Dear mom,
I may be mad at you about some things, but I'd never want to replace you. You're still the best mom I could wish for. (I know she won't read this, but I hope she knows - and I think she does.)


Dear Pepijn,
Being near you makes me happy, because I can always be myself. I love singing together.


Dear Rianne,
I wish we would talk again, about things that matter. I miss you.


Dear Lisa,
I'm glad to have met you. We may not be good friends, and maybe that's ok. But it's nice to know someone like you.


Dear Minke,
I've never felt about anyone what I've felt about you, did you know that? Please remember what a beautiful person you are.


Dear Aleid,
Thanks for existing. I learn a lot from you and I wouldn't know what to do without you anymore.


Dear all my watchers,
Thanks for always reading my things, thanks for commenting. It makes me happy. It really, really does.

Omdat ik groot fan ben van de gedichten van Bart Moeyaert wil ik er graag een paar met jullie delen, er zijn nog veel meer echt hele mooie maar ik zal het even een beetje beperkt houden. Voor geïnteresseerden: gedichten die ik zelf van hem verder mooi vind zijn o.a. "Ons geheugen", "Brug", "Kies", "Zo heel jij mij" en "Dirigent".

--

Dit

Van alles wat ik schreef
zijn dit het minste woorden.
En tel ze na, het zijn er
nog te veel: zelf hou ik van
mijn mond vol tanden,
het aaien van dit blad, de
woordenschat van mijn
twee handen, het stokken
van mijn adem als ik zeg
dat ik je hier niet kan
vertellen wie of wat ik
voor je ben, omdat papier
me in de weg zit, en ik
het juiste woord niet ken.

--

Bekentenis

Ik mag je.
Nee. Ik mag je niet.
Ik moet je. Dat bedoel ik.

Ik heb je lief.
Nee. Heb ik niet.
Ik word je lief. Dat voel ik.

Ik ga met jou.
Nee. Ga ik niet.
Ik sta je bij. Beloof ik.

Ben stapel op je.
Hou je vast.
Ik. Hou. Van. Jou.

Geloof ik.

--

Dag

Wil je dit nog voor me doen,
vóór je weggaat en de straat vergeet:
zweren dat je toen je bij me was
alleen om bestwil hebt gelogen
en het verdriet dat ik heb helpen
drogen zo echt was als dat wat wij
hebben gedeeld, en zeg terloops
dat tijd de wonden heelt en
wil je wat ik vraag ook zweren
op het hoofd van iemand die je
dierbaar is, bijvoorbeeld mij?

--

Kwijt

Zo kwijt als dood
mag je niet gaan.
Hoe ruim ik op,
als ik niet eens
kan bellen, vragen
of je onze foto nog wel wil?
Dan blijft het eeuwig stil
in huis en ben je
niet eens weg, maar dood.
Nee, als ik je verlies
dan hoop ik dat ik
op mijn zakken sla,
een poosje zoek
en dan ineens bedenk
dat jij allang
gevonden bent
door wie je liever ziet.
Dan zal ik kunnen rusten.
Anders niet.

--

Kort

Niet langer dan
een ademtocht,
lang is dat niet,
kijk maar,
ik deed het weer,
zo lang al hou ik van je,
en dan niet zomaar even,
nee,
de hele tijd als nu,
en nu,
en verder nog,
denk ik,
mijn hele leven.

--

Siberië

Geef me je jas
van bont en teddyberen.
Leg je arm om me heen
en al je winterkleren.
Zoen me
tot ik warm word.
Zoen me
tot ik spin.
Trek je eigen huid dan uit,
stop mij er onder in.
Sus me met je hartslag:
wij ons wij ons wij ons.
Maak van dit veel te grote bed
een heel klein fort van dons.

--

Aquarel

Dit is een aquarel: een schilderij van waterverf
op dik karton. Ik wist niet wat ik wou toen ik
eraan begon en nu het af is heb ik er nog
het raden naar. Wat doet die vlek daar op dat schip,
wat doet die vrouw, waarom een zee, had ik dan
blauw in overschoot, dat denk ik niet, ik denk
haast nooit als ik mijn vinger doop in mijn verdriet
of in het jouwe en ermee schrijf of teken, maar
ik moet niet doen alsof. Per slot van rekening
weet iedereen dat alles – alles – over liefde gaat.

--

Vuurtoren

Alles weten we van vuur: [1] hoe laat de zon opkomt,
[2] ondergaat, [3] hoe warm de wereld ergens is,
[4] wanneer vulkanen dreigen, [5] waarom een vlam
pas als het waait naar naaste buren overslaat, [6]
ongevraagd, [7] altijd hongerig naar hout, natuurlijk
vurenhout in het bijzonder, [8] dat kunstenaars
geen leven leiden zonder rood of zwartgeblakerd
hart, en [9] dat er mensen zijn die amper wijzen
of hup daar staat een man of vrouw in lichterlaaie,
[10] er is ook larie, bijvoorbeeld, rosse meisjes
kussen beter en spaanse pepers koken heter, maar
[11] verder is alles opgemeten, uitgerekend, zelfs
van de hel is vastgesteld hoe fijn de as zal zijn
van iedereen, en daarom juist is het verbazend
dat iemand uit een havenstad nog nooit heeft
stilgestaan bij wat het vuur in vuurtorens betekent:
[12] kom hier, [13] wij willen u in deze stad graag zien.

--

Nu

Ik adem niet, ik zing.
Zelfs als ik zucht, klinkt het
per ongeluk alsof ik
een paar noten neurie
die me vannacht, terwijl
ik sliep, zijn voorgezongen.
Het is alsof de lucht mijn deken is en ik
mijn hoofd het liefst
te rusten leg op het kussen
van mijn longen, de plek
waar ik mijn hartslag hoor
in vierkwartsmaat:
dat ik besta, dat ik besta.

I was inspired by this journal: [link] and its wonderful comments. <3

Some pretty things in life:
the shining sun and its warmth upon your face, dancing and surrendering to the music, writing poems about someone you love, when people you love tell you they're proud of you, rainbows, tears on eyelashes, babies, butterflies, flowers, trees that reach for the sky, drawing in the sand on the beach, freckles, snow and its footprints, feelings that can't be described in words, photographs of your most precious memories, the clouds and how they can look like teddybears, the first time you fall in love, books and their stories, the smell after rain in summer, singing songs together and feeling connected, how today is the first day of summer, sunrays, little children and their imagination, raindrops falling in the water, a full moon, autumn, spring, winter and summer, colours, singing birds, storms, fallen leaves, how you can feel at home at a place you've never been before, loving somebody so much you think your heart will explode, movies that make you cry, balloons, pregnancy, eyes and the stories they tell, stars, churches, realizing that people are all the same, words, fairytales, feathers and wings, knowing that someone's there for you, the horizon and how it isn't the end of the world, campfires and marshmellows, the sea and its endlessness, mountains, glassblowing, stones and crystalls, friendship and how it's different with each person, people who whistle when they are walking just because they're happy, forests, dreaming, embracing people you love, candles, rivers, going home after being away for a while, parents and sisters and how they love you no matter what, kissing and making love, people that have a sparkle in their eyes, smiles, swimming and being surrounded by water, feeling like you could fly, but most of all when people say they love you and you know it's true.

But there is so much more. If you want to add some other things, please do

It's been a while since my last journal. I don't have a lot to tell about my life, I guess you know the important things. So I decided to tell something about what's inside my mind.
Here are just some things about a few persons that I don't want to tell or ask them directly, but still want to say.
I won't tell about who this is. Maybe some parts are about the same person or some parts about more than one person. I don't know.


Dear X,
I wonder if you regret what's happened between us, 'cause I never will.


Dear X,
Maybe you've known me better than anyone. Sometimes, I miss having someone like you around.


Dear X,
I need you so much more than I told you, more than I want to admit.


Dear X,
Please hold me for a while?


Dear X,
I wonder if you still remember every little detail I remember.


Dear X,
Why has everything changed? I've lost you.


Dear X,
You drive me crazy (but I love you anyway).


Dear X,
You should know how beautiful and special you are, but I'm not the one to tell you.


Dear X,
I would like to be your best friend.


Dear X,
You inspire me.


Dear X,
Please forgive me for being me... again.


Dear X,
Like Sonata Arctica sings: 'We'll never have what we had then'

Don't laugh at me.. but I must confess that the actual reason to write this journal is that I really wanted to use the 'Christmas spirited' icon for my mood xD

Anyway, I think I have some things to tell
In just 2 weeks it'll be my 18th birthday! I'm looking forward to it, because I'm throwing a little party which is always fun.
But 18.. sounds pretty old In just a few months I will (hopefully, but I don't really doubt it...) pass my exams and then this summer I have to move to Utrecht, because I'm going to study Language Sciences there. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm also scared to leave everything behind. Yesterday I had this christmasball (ballroomdancing) and I had so much fun but I also realized that it may have been the last one I'm going to miss my dancing lessons so much..

Back to the here and now!
Not really much has happened lately. I had a testweek (in which I got pretty good grades..) so school needed a lot of attention.
Also I celebrated 'Sinterklaas' (one time with family and one time with friends) which I always love.
And now it's christmas time. I already told about the Christmasball, which was fun, as always.
This week I'll stay at my boyfriend Jelrik, also at the first Christmasday. We'll go to my home second Christmas day ^^
I have so many things planned this christmasvacation that I have hardly any time left to do my homework.. but hey, friends are much nicer than that. I'll try to do my best.

About art; I don't draw that much, but I did sketch some things a few weeks ago.. I just always forget to scan it.
I'm writing, though, as you may have noticed I like poetry but I'm also trying to discover.. I don't know, other kinds of poetry, or short stories.. I think I will keep on experimenting

It's almost 2009. I already told what will happen next year, but what was 2008 like? I asked my mother which one thing I did this year.. something important. 'Getting good grades?' she suggested. But that's not really one important thing.. 'Going to Rome?' she then asked. And I think she was right: the greatest moment of this year, something that will never happen again that way was indeed going to Rome.
Going to Paris, Vlieland.. it was all great but I can do it again. And ofcourse I can go back to Rome, but it will never be like it was this year, with school.
I think 2008 has been a good year.. Ofcourse there has been some trouble but I had a great time with my friends en my boyfriend.
I hope you all have had a great year and that next year will be even better!

Merry christmas and a happy new year!